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Gina's Journal [entries|friends|calendar]

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Quiet time [01 Jul 2004|03:06pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Things are sure quiet around here without Ayesha. I'm glad she is having such a good time over there. She'll be coming home, very late, on July 7th. Meanwhile, Salman is busy crashing the helicopter he's trying fly on the Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000. I don't know if he'll ever learn to fly it properly.

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I'm going to miss her [09 Jun 2004|10:52am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

Just a few more days and Ayesha will be gone. We've been having so much fun together since she's been home all day. The laughs never seem to end when we are making funny or embarrassing comments about something. I'm going to miss her.

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Free at last...for 4 days [24 May 2004|12:26pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

Finally, my husband went on a company trip. I have until Thursday evening to enjoy some peace and quiet. Sunday morning here was really bad. First, he started yelling at Salman. Then he started yelling at me. He was complaining that he has to work at such a high-stress job because of me and the kids. I told him that, somehow, I would try to arrange for me and the kids to take a permanent vacation from him, so that he could work a low-stress job and have all of his money to himself.

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Can't get that song out of my head [19 May 2004|01:45pm]
Ever since I watched Ayesha's music video for history class, I can't get that song, Bohemian Rhapsody, out of my head. Every morning, I keep hearing it play over and over again. I'm presently reprogramming my mind with some Backstreet Boys music (Sorry Ayesha, I know you hate their music, but I don't want to go insane).
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Not doing so good [16 May 2004|07:54am]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

I don't know why I've been feeling so depressed lately. I just haven't felt like writing much. I guess the strain on the money isn't helping the situation. It seems like the money I get every week is gone after a few days...and the price of gas continues to rise. At least when school is over, I won't be using as much gas taking the kids to and from school...but then the kids will be home all day.

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Live Journal [10 May 2004|12:23pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

This Live Journal is really a nice thing. I don't feel so alone anymore. I hope you will forgive my occasional bouts of "Foot-in-mouth" disease. I will post a "WARNING!" if I feel that there is "Potentially Boring Information".

For some strange reason, I'm NOT feeling my age. I feel like a college student in my mid-twenties (like when I attended Kansas State in '83). I started to college in Jan '81, when I was 22. College was soooo much fun compared to working dead-end jobs. Community college was a lot easier than Kansas State.

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Morning time [10 May 2004|05:54am]
Got up before 5am. Been on the computer, reading entries, but can't write one until he leaves at around 5:50. At least I didn't get yelled at this morning (one of the worst times to be around him). I don't say anything to him unless he says something to me. Had another dream about going back to Kansas State to finish my degree - the kids were with me this time, but no husband.
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Will today be the day? [07 May 2004|05:01pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

My husband hasn't blown up for quite a few days. Usually, Fridays and Saturday are his best days of the week. He might blow up today because I haven't cooked anything. All day long, I tried to think what to serve for dinner, but nothing came to me. There were a lot leftovers in the fridge, so I decided me and the kids could eat that, and he can have a chicken parmigian frozen dinner. Of course, any little thing can set him off. He comes home from work all full of frustrations, and guess who's going to get it. He's suffering from depression and anxiety problems, but he won't get any medication for it. He thinks its a sign of weakness (just like my dad said).
Men, they try to act so macho at the expense of their families. Both of my kids are on anti-depressant medication, and they are doing much better. I still haven't found the right medication for me, but I keep trying. You wouldn't believe some of the nightmares I've been through in my life, because of my manic-depressive episodes and anxiety disorder. Thank God I didn't get hooked on drugs or alcohol. I'm not functioning very well, but I'm doing the best I can.

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What do I do? [06 May 2004|11:33am]
[ mood | amused ]

I'm pondering the age old question ... what to cook for dinner tonight. I try to serve a variety of American and Pakistani food, trying not to serve the same thing more often than once every 2 weeks. Most Pakistani food takes hours to prepare, so I have a lot of it already made, stored in the freezer. I think we'll have haleem tonight, but I better call my husband and make sure its OK with him. I don't want him coming home and complaining about the food.

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Feeling panicky again [03 May 2004|11:35am]
[ mood | anxious ]

I don't know why I'm feeling so panicky right now. I wish I could calm down a bit.

I've been taking the Straterra for a week now. I'm feeling a little more nervous than usual. I don't know if its going to help me or not; I've got to give it a months try to decide if its worth taking.

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Another busy day [29 Apr 2004|12:02pm]
Been doing OK so far; hope I don't have panic episode today - yesterday's was bad enough. Took a break yesterday, but it wasn't a good break at times; I got so sleepy while I was at the downtown library that I couldn't enjoy a lot my time there. But it was nice to get out of the house and get away the husband and kids.
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Feeling better now ... in some ways [28 Apr 2004|12:22pm]
Well,the terrible sinus headaches are gone for now, thanks to amoxicillan, but I'm still feeling scared. I don't know why I get such bad panic episodes at this time of day. I'm no longer comfortable listening to books on cassettes. I have to have the TV on for a distraction. I plan to take a break today, but I don't know where I want to go. My money for the week is almost gone.

I guess why I'm so scared this time of day is that there is so much work for me to do, and its overloading my mind. I guess I just need to sit down for a while. I've started taking Straterra, which is suppose to prevent my mind from getting overloaded, I hope.
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Sick, sick, sick [22 Apr 2004|09:03pm]
Another miserable day; my nose is so swollen that I can't breath through it. Its also been hard for me to sleep.

My husband has gotten several phone calls from Motorola. They are still interested in him. At least he's been in a real good mood the past few days.
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Feeling trapped [21 Apr 2004|12:04pm]
The story of my life is one of feeling trapped most of the time. Too many panic episodes too close together makes me feel really trapped. Most of the episodes leave me feeling panicky about where and whatever I was doing. The phobias caused by the panic episodes take a while for me to get over. As long as the panic episodes don't happen too often, I can slowly get over the phobias.

Its hard for me to maintain friendships, because I'm using so much of my energy trying to deal with the panic episodes.
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Not doing so good [21 Apr 2004|11:02am]
[ mood | tired ]

I'm really stuffed-up today...tired too. I've got soooo much housework to do. I'm feeling panicky also. I wish my panic episodes would go away, but nothing has helped. The medication (Buspar) is helping some, but I still feel scared to death at times. I'm afraid to try the new medication, Strattera, because the last time I tried it, it made me feel even more panicky. Its suppose to help prevent my mind from becoming overloaded with too many thoughts at one time (a life-long problem). The doctor wanted me to start out at a lower dose and give it another try. I guess I will try it in a few more days.

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Another day ... [20 Apr 2004|05:13am]
Yesterday was another busy day for me; I had to take my son to the doctor to get the 1 inch cut in his finger closed up. It was good thing that the doctor used only a special tape to close the wound instead of stitches.

My head has been stuffed up all day, so I've been feeling really tired.

My husband was in a pretty good mood today, compared to the nasty mood he was in all weekend. He was very depressed over the weekend because he didn't get the job in Philadelphia, where his mother and sister lived. He felt better when he got an email from Motorola in southern Florida, asking for a phone interview.
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